I take it just as it is
I remember feeling as a young boy that I was part of something bigger, feeling that I was on a team- a cosmic team that knew the truth. That the connection to God was the way to a deep sense of joy and wonder. A feeling of profound love that permeated every aspect of my life, a love so powerful that the mere thought of it provided a dwarfing sense of unworthiness. That I was connected and loved by the source of reality itself. It was a feeling that felt most alive when I was surrounded by people that felt the same; people gilded by God’s Grace. By the love of an omnipotent God.
My grandmother was a seeker, a woman that poured herself into scripture like a researcher on a hunch. Underlining, highlighting, and annotating her thoughts. Approaching her spirituality from all angles, dissecting religious texts, psychology, music, art, and deep devotion. What I know now is that she was racing time. Hoping to get to the bottom of the trauma before it was uncovered. A trauma that was generational, old, and unrelenting in its perpetuation.
It seems like that is how unresolved trauma works in families; it just keeps moving forward until acknowledged. Like wildfire, leaving a path of consequences behind. Changing the environment, demanding to be seen, and continuing its course without hesitation.
Family dysfunctional patterns take many forms. It may manifest as an emotionally unavailable mother, a father who died before his time, a family disease, or even sexual and physical abuse. They all come as representatives of the historical dis-orders of the clan. Disorders that demand attention, scream to be resolved, and carry information for the family. In many cases, these historical events carry a debt to be paid in full by future unknowing descendants. The good news is that it seems like trauma has an entropic function to it. The farther you are away from the epicenter of the trauma, the less likely you are to be systemically entangled or affected by it. Like Cain’s karmic family curse.
What my grandmother did was set in motion a path of seeking, a path that would eventually lead to the origin of the trauma. She would not live to see the healing take foot, but the echos of her journey created the systemic momentum for my Mother to uncover the disconnection. To bravely acknowledge the unseen, to deal with the darkness. To continue the work and act as a gatekeeper for her descendants and set a new destination towards healing.
The work that we have done with family constellations has shown us how to pay that debt, acknowledge the unseen, and resolve the entangled mesh of trauma in our family. The work has provided me with a reconnection with Grace and the confirmation that I am indeed a part of something bigger, a member of a continuous movement. That I am deeply connected to the infinite source of all creation. I am a manifestation of God's love, and at my core, I am connected to everything before, and I take it just as it is.
John Acosta
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